The Vulnerability Introduction
Proverbs 18:21 “The Tongue Has the Power of Life & Death, and Those Who Love It Will Eat Its Fruit.”
It was year five in our marriage, and we were sitting in our first counseling session when I first heard the terms “minimizer and maximizer.” In most relationships, there is a minimizer and a maximizer. The minimizer is someone who tends to shut down and avoid conflict while the maximizer wants to put everything on the table and fix it now. In the case of my marriage, I am the minimizer, and my wife is the maximizer. There is nothing wrong with being the minimizer or maximizer, however, it is important to become aware and understand each other’s differences so that a healthy communication can be established in the relationship. Being a minimizer comes with the tendency of shutting down, and not addressing problems that present themselves attempting to avoid conflict. However, conflict avoided is conflict multiplied. I made things worse as I would use my silence as a weapon, shutting down and not saying anything to my wife for days or even weeks. I was giving her the cold shoulder and this form of pride only revealed to my spouse that I did not care about her thoughts, her perspectives, or have a desire to engage in conversation to solve the situation we were currently facing. My wife, being a maximizer, saw issues arise and immediately confronted them wanting to fix the problem at once. But I was not open to listening and hearing any problems or concerns she presented, only leading her to charge harder at trying to fix the problem(s). The more she made attempts to fix or correct something, the more I shut down and stayed silent. This occurred throughout our marriage, and it led to a build of resentment, and she found herself guarding her heart from me. I constantly labeled her problems and concerns as attacks towards me, and she felt like the “nagging” wife. What I failed to realize is I only validated that her problems were not important enough for me to care about. Over time, this created an such an unsafe environment for her… for both of us really. This became a normal cycle of how we communicated which led to very rocky, detrimental, and hopeless times in our marriage. The roles shifted as she became what she calls, “a good quiet wife” and anytime I opened to communicate, it was demeaning, manipulative, and quite abusive. She stopped saying anything to me because she did not want to endure the silent treatments and hurts any longer while I allowed my problems to fester and grow inside, leading to this outpour of negative conversation. Sad thing is, I did not realize how I was communicating but I had to to take ownership and accountability for my actions. It was not healthy, and we are currently healing from this today. Click this link for the “Take Ownership Blog.”
I learning that communication in marriage is more than just exchanging words. It is about understanding, empathy, and connection. In this blog post, we will explore actionable tips to enhance communication with your spouse, fostering a deeper, more fulfilling relationship. Incorporated in these tips are the –> 5 Rules of Biblical Communication <– that I have learned through my own sessions in biblical counseling that I would like to share with you. These five rules come out of Ephesians, James, and Proverbs.
Embracing Transparency: The Power of Honesty
Ephesians 4: 25 says, “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.
It is imperative to value and provide safe, open, and honest communication. One must be willing to express one’s thoughts, feelings, or needs clearly and respectfully, fostering an environment of trust, compassion, and understanding. It is necessary to speak truth in love instead of venting to make oneself feel better. Sending harsh truth(s) is extremely selfish and today’s society takes pride in speaking their minds or speaking the truth in a hurtful way. We must remember that God is truth, and his truth frees us. My honesty should be liberating as well.
Stay Current
Ephesians 4: 26-27: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”
Take note that it says be angry. It is okay to be angry at your partner. But it also says, do not sin meaning, do not demean, manipulate, or tear your spouse down. It is essential to “fight fair” with each other. I have had to learn we can be upset with each other and still love each other at the same time.
As the minimizer, I had to make a meaningful change. I know there are times that I need time to process situations. However, it is necessary to present my spouse with a general time that I will be ready to revisit the situation. For example, if I tell her I need time to process a situation, I must be approachable when that time comes to either discuss the problem or ask for more time. I cannot keep her in the dark. Remember, silence speaks volumes and the impact of non-verbal cues, body language, facial expressions, and gestures play a significant part in providing effective communication. Pay attention to these cues, as they often convey more than the words you are speaking. For the maximizer, one must be willing to accept that the other person needs time to process the situation and not continue to push the issue until the time is right.
It is also best to discuss and resolve the current situation and not go to bed angry. Do not give opportunity to the devil by allowing situations to accumulate. Understand that tomorrow will bring its own issues and it is better to discuss and solve each situation as soon as possible, preventing a weight that becomes too heavy for the relationship to endure. Prioritize quality time together and set aside dedicated time for meaningful conversations.
Attack the Problem… NOT the Person.
Ephesians 4:29-30 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”
Present your truth in love with a goal of uplifting your spouse and not in a demeaning, abusive way to tear one down. Remember as believers, our spouse is on the same team. Furthermore, we are both on God’s team. Calling each other demeaning names like m-fer, stupid, lazy, slob or making statements such as, “I hate you” or “I can’t stand you” do a disservice to the relationship. Also, be care of sending “you messages” and attempt to only speak “I messages.” The means instead of starting with, “you always… or you never” it is more productive to express, “I feel this way when… or this makes me feel this way when…” Presenting your concerns in this manner puts the accountability on the other person instead of feeling judged from listening to, “you, you, you” statements. As we attack the problem(s) together we become united and find intimacy and security in the relationship.
Practice Patience and Understanding. Act! Do not React!
Ephesians 4: 31-32 says, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
There needs to be a safe space provided where there is patience and understanding, especially during disagreements. It helps to manage conflicts constructively by remaining calm, avoiding blame, and focusing on finding solutions together. When reacting, we are deflecting the words or actions of our spouse allowing our feelings and emotions to be controlled by what they say or do, often leading to anger. It is important to recognize that our reaction often hinders our growth and makes problems worse. Instead, take inspired action to solve the problem and increase intimacy and unity in the relationship. We can act in love, kindness, compassion, and forgiveness no matter what the other person says or does.
Listen Actively
James 1:19 says, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”
Active listening is the most important aspect of communication. God created us with two ears and one mouth for the purpose of listening twice as much as we speak. Being fully present and engaged when your partner speaks. Show that your spouse matters, and you care for their needs and desires. Practice empathy by validating your partner’s feelings without immediately jumping to solutions or judgments. This is accomplished by practicing techniques like restating what they said or seeking clarifying questions to better understand.
Proverbs 18:2 says, “a fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his solution.” Do not be a fool. When we fail to listen, it often results in making more mistakes which incites more anger.
Proverbs 18:13 “If one man gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
Proverbs 18:15 “an intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.” Be cautious of stating your opinion or preparing a response without first listening.
Seek Professional Help When Needed
It is significant to seek professional guidance when communication barriers seem insurmountable. Couple’s counseling (recommended Biblical counseling) or therapy provides initiative-taking step towards better communication. However, I will caution you about the type of advice or guidance one seeks. Do not seek help from those individuals or groups that only tell you what you want to hear vs. what you need to hear. Misery loves company. 2 Timothy 4:3-5 “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teachings, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.
Take extreme caution for this final recommendation! Be careful seeking or receiving marital advice from those of the opposite sex. You may disagree and it is okay if you do but often, this can be extremely dangerous and destroy your relationship. Temptations often present themselves which may lead to emotional attachments towards the other person that is not your spouse. Reacting to the feelings that come with this type of advice can seem innocent in the beginning, however, may result in actions that lead to permanent destruction and dissolution of the marriage.
Conclusion
To conclude, remember that if something can be misunderstood… it will be misunderstood. Effective communication with your spouse is a continuous journey that requires effort, patience, and a willingness to understand and be understood. By implementing the 5 rules of biblical communication: being honest, keeping current, attacking problems and not the person, act and do not react, and listening attentively, couples can cultivate a stronger, more resilient relationship built on trust, empathy, and mutual respect. Practicing and instilling these rules will help couples to establish more intimacy and security in the marriage. No matter where you find yourself currently in your relationship, it is imperative to make a change. If anything, it is recommended first to “shut the hell up” and start listening, validating, and seeking clarification so that we can respond with love, kindness, compassion, and forgiveness.
